Part I:
Freewriting
In your journal: Either in a series of bullet points or freewriting explore
the following as they pertain to you:
“Nature” – Ethnicity, Race, Gender,
Sexuality, Personality
Institutional – Nationality, Religion,
Profession
Discourse – Environmentalist,
Feminist, Libertarian, Marxist, Vegan
Affinity – Scouts, Teenager, Goth,
Part II: Journal
Reflection
In your journal: Once you have compiled a comprehensive list, write about the
experiences you have had with each. Do
not hold back. Some will offer more
passionate responses than others will. Some may upset you. Some may even surprise you.
This will be part of an on-going exploration as we examine
the narrative that is our lives. We are
all protagonists, characters narrating our existences through our first person
point of view. Remember, there is a
third person narrator - dual narrative if you will - telling the story of
us. Let your voice be the true war story.
Part III: Blog
Discussion
To be able to say who I am in a small blog post is going to be a little bit of a challenge, because I feel that I have many different layers and sides to my personality. I try to be an over all nice person, giving people chances if I don't know them, disregarding mean comments, stuff like that, and I think that being you for you is a very important quality. I don't dress a certain way to look cool, I don't listen to negative comments, and I try not to change myself so that certain people will like me. What you see is what you get for the most part. Obviously I’m not going to give you my deepest darkest insecurities as I’m shaking your hand for the first time, but I try not to craft a false image of myself. I think that going about life this way can have it benefits and its takeaways. I’ve heard many people say, “You have to take what Maddy says with a grain of salt,” and I can both agree and disagree with that statement. If you ask for my opinion about how that dress makes you look, I’m not going to tell you it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen if I think it makes your hips look wide, but I’m not going to purposefully tell you that dress makes you look fat if I think it’s pretty. I’m just giving you what you asked for, and in some cases people don’t like that. Teenagers today seem to think that if you’re nice then you’re fake, and if you’re mean then you’re just mean. To be nice has become disingenuous, and being mean has become normal. This is why I try to just be honest and not change or lie about myself. I want people to know that I’m me for me, not for anybody else.
ReplyDeleteMaddy, I feel we have very similar opinions when it comes to presenting oneself. Be upfront, not bold or vain, but truthful and yourself. Put it all out there, whether they take it or not is no skin off my back. I also like your interpretation on how teens interact with each other now. We're caught in a vicious cycle of distrusting each other, because we always assume the other person is fronting. And it's frustrating to me, just like I'm assuming you're frustrated by it. We have to rise up above all that pettiness.
DeleteThat's really really great point there. I always struggle with the idea of 'you have to be nice' because so often, when someone else is blatantly being nice just because it's an expectation, it causes a conflict. People then don't know what to think of you because you come across as fake and they want honesty but once you're honest and it's not what they want to hear then you're called a bitch behind your back. I like being straightforward about my thoughts and feelings, but I also try to be aware of the social situation. I value honesty but I'll sacrifice it for someone's mental state. If I know they're struggling or if I know what I want to say will hurt them, I'll either not say it or say it in a more delicate way. I know all about taking someone's honesty and letting it destroy your brain while you question everything so I want to avoid putting someone else in that situation. But other than that, over the years I've gotten more and more straightforward and honest with the people I interact with. Honesty lies in a massive gray area and that really sucks sometimes but I *honestly* (ha ha, get it?) can't think of a way for it to be universally changed.
DeleteGender
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, my little sister and I liked to play dress up. Now I don’t mean simply trying on clothes for fun, I mean raiding my mother's closet, makeup, jewelry and shoe collection. We would put on music and strut in our ridiculous outfits, red lipstick smudged on our lips and bracelets falling off our tiny wrists. As young girls, this was the expression of our femininity. The television shows America’s Next Top Model and Toddlers and Tiaras truly inspired us. We wanted to be like the posed and pampered women portrayed on TV and we did everything in our power to copy their lifestyles.
These are joyous, lighthearted memories of my childhood. I had a lot of fun playing around with my identity as a kid because I always knew myself so well. I never went through different phases in interests or style. I still wear skirts, heels, lipstick and love watching America’s Next Top Model. For me, gender identity was not something I struggled with because I fit into such stereotypes that go along with being “girly” or “feminine”. I am a cis-gender female, and have always known that.
Cat Weiner
Affinity
ReplyDeleteIts hard to pin point just one aspect that I think is important to who I am. Growing up, my Nana was a huge part of my life because she was such a kind and nurturing person. I have so many fond memories of her get me and my brothers at our school bus stop on half days because our parents were still at work and having a big meal at her house every sunday for all our family. She always made sure we knew that she always was there for us and ready to lend a helping hand. As she got older, it was our turn to be there for her an take care of her and I found myself displaying the nurturing qualities she possessed that I looked up to. I consider myself a very nurturing person, and I think that this is very important to who I am. This guides my life and what I do in my life and has impacted how I interact with people around me. I want to become a physical therapist because I think this would fit into who I am and what I enjoy doing.
This is so touching Jyllian. The relationship that a grandchild can build with their grandmother is truly exceptional. It's amazing how grandparents build who we are and leave a huge impact that can last a lifetime. Reading about the switch in the role as time went by was super moving.
DeleteI agree! Your response was so thoughtful and touching- I loved the way you described how you grew to have similar qualities as your grandmother due to your close relationship with her. I felt that I could relate to your response because I also have a very strong relationship with my grandmother and I am so grateful to have it.
DeleteI can also relate to this! My grandparents have inspired me from the day that I was born and are one of the reasons I want to study business in college since they both started their own companies. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteCat Weiner
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ReplyDeleteI am proud to call myself Asian-American. The phrase wasn’t friendly to me when I came back to the U.S. from China after 10 years. I’ve always been different from the majority because of my background--- that I’ve lived in two countries for a significant amount of time. I used to feel ashamed when speaking Mandarin with my family in the public. I would always get these looks from other people. On the media, the ability to speak multiple languages somehow isn’t being praised. I was conditioned to think that in order to be accepted by the American society, one has to assimilate, or to be “white-washed”. I even wished that I had stayed in the U.S. my whole life.
ReplyDeleteI was so wrong.
Being able to speak fluently in two languages is such a blessing. I didn’t realize that until entering high school. With the ability, I am able to connect with various people--- not just asians and whites. I understand the struggles of people because I’ve seen and experienced so many things in both worlds. I understand what it feels like to be in the middle of two cultures. It’s hard, but I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am.
I am Asian-American. And I am proud of it.
I love this description of your struggles to accept your culture or assimilate. I think many people feel that they have to perfectly fit into one of their two cultures, and don't think they can be in the middle of them both, like you said. I personally think it's amazing to speak more than one language and to be able to connect to multiple people and worlds. It's one of my life goals to be bilingual, as I want to be able to connect to different people outside of the country as well. --Sosha
DeleteMental state:
ReplyDeleteThese years constitute a very intense time in the life of a teenager, so much so that the smallest misstep seems like it will be the biggest blunder in my life. I'm not special for feeling this way, millions of other people around the world are in my exact same position; college, relationships, family, friends, etc. But what sets each of us apart as individuals is how we react to these stimuli. In my experiences, I often react between a range of a lethargic, depressive mood or an irritable jerk. These traits run in my family, so I've already come to accept the fact that there's pretty much nothing I can do about it. Rarely does a problem bother me so much that I lash out in these ways, but when it rears its ugly head, I'm no fun to be around. Still, I hope that this descriptor does not influence how others see me, nor my own self-esteem. I must remember that my personality is a combination of the physical and mental, a potent cocktail of human power. It is up to me and me only to use myself and my talents in a positive, impactful way. Though my emotions may toy with me, these reactions are only a result of the common stresses of daily life, aided in part by genetics. Like Maddy said, "I'm me for me, not for anybody else." I know so many of you will have similar thoughts brewing in your minds, and whether or not you choose to express them here is your choice. But realize that you are not alone, we are all going through the same crap. We are all man and woman enough to overcome.
Chris! I really admire your honesty here (and everyone's, really). I completely get where you're coming from with reacting they way you're family does to certain situations. My dad and I are the same person in a lot of ways, and it's great because I can be outgoing, compassionate, and kind, but I also get into the same depressive episodes and am just as stubborn as him. But I think you're completely right- we all have the power and choice to turn these traits into a positive thing about ourselves. Like if the next time I get depressed I try to do little kind things for myself and others instead of completely isolating everyone. We can definitely overcome:)
DeleteChris I really enjoyed this and love how open and transparent you were! (^:
DeleteReligion
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in 2nd grade, my mom decided she wanted our family to be members of a church. She didn’t have any particular church, or even religion, in mind, so we started going on what we called a “search for a church”. After spending our Sunday mornings at about 8 or so different churches over two or three months, we ended up at North Parish, a Unitarian Universalist church. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I was just 8, and my favorite part of the morning was going to coffee hour after the service for cookies. However, as I grew up, I began to understand what was so appealing about the Unitarian Universalist religion and North Parish as a community. When I was 15, I came of age through a year long program and personally became a member the following November.
Whenever I tell people that I’m a Unitarian Universalist, they either pretend to know what that is, or they ask me if I’m Cristian. It’s hard to explain, because I believe that this specific religion takes a different form for each person. I normally describe it as a religion that is accepting of all other religions. That’s one of the things I like about it. As UU’s, we are unified by our search for what we personally believe to be true. This way, I believe that each person has the ability to take or fixate on a different “piece” of Unitarian Universalism that they value the most. While the religion rests on ideas of compassionate action and the inherent worth and dignity of every person, I find that the community and sense of support I find at North Parish and through the larger UU world is also incredibly important to my spiritual growth. I believe that I will forever describe myself as a Unitarian Universalist, because it not only speaks to what I personally believe in, but it also gives me a glimpse of what I want the outside world to be like: Accepting, peaceful, and searching for a universal truth that ties us all together.
Sosha Stecher
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Deleteoops I accidentally deleted my response! I was dedicated in the UU church, and while I didn't go to church for very long, only until I was about 8, I do remember the feeling of community there. I also remember the messages about acceptances and peacefulness, and I still try to apply those aspects to my daily life. I see you exemplify these ideals every day, Sosha; you are so accepting, nonjudgmental, and peaceful, and I'm lucky to have you as a friend.
DeleteI love that you're so passionate about you're beliefs Sosha :) I think that nowadays it's almost frowned upon for teenagers to have a strong faith because of the contradicting science industry, so I'm always happy to see teens who have faith . Growing up, I was raised with the absence of religion. Since I have a jewish father and an episcopal mother, they thought it would be easier to raise me with no religion in comparison to two different beliefs, and I almost wish this wasn't the case. Some new very close friends of mine are very religious, and they are some of the kindest and most genuine people I knew. I think since they grew up with that sense of community you mentioned, they developed those characteristics that are some of the fundamental teachings and beliefs within their church and faith.
DeleteI totally agree with what you were saying about how religion can mean different things for different people!
DeleteI once took that political compass test and i landed very far in the bottom left corner. some of my friends describe me a "flaming liberal and if you ever talk to me about politics you will quickly find out why. If I was the leader of this country, we would be living in a communist society with no guns, powered completely by wind and solar energy. Radical as those proposals may seem, i truly believe that a liberal view on politics leads to a safer and more inclusive country for everyone. In terms of the communism part, i think that the idea just gets a bad rep from a long history of fear. (McCarthyism, Vietnam, Etc.) Unfortunately, a true communist society just doesn't work in today's world but we can certainly integrate it into out current system. The main issue I see is that there is a distinct working class and a distinct capitalist class with too large of a gap in between the two. First the gap should be closed and then social ownership can be considered. Aside from government, I share pretty much every "cookie cutter" liberal viewpoint including pro choice, no death penalty, assisted suicide, climate change, gun control. Health Care, amnesty, same sex marriage, more taxes on rich, and the list goes on and on.
ReplyDeleteA large part of my identity is that I am the oldest out of three sisters. We are all relatively close in age; Tiernan is under two years younger than me, and Lorelei is less than two years younger than her. Being the oldest comes with a large list of responsibilities, but the list only increases when one of your siblings suffers from mental illnesses. Tiernan, for as long as I can remember, has had horrible social anxiety, and has been prone to depression. This has caused a shift in our relationship, so that half the time I’m her sister, but the other half I’m her protector when she’s feeling overwhelmed, or when people don’t understand her. I support her, and I am her go-to person when she needs to talk to someone. She is not always easy to deal with, and my parents tend to push aside my needs and Lorelei’s needs to support Tiernan, because she needs it more than we do. This, in the past, has caused a strain on my relationship with her and my parents, but as I have gotten older and understood my sister better, I have come to peace with it and am happy with my role. I am very close with my youngest sister; we bond over a love of books and learning, and from growing up with Tiernan. I am very close with Tiernan too; we love the same music and we tell each other things we wouldn’t tell our parents. My relationship with my sisters has shaped me into who I am and who I wish to be. I am a more patient and empathetic person because of Tiernan, and Lorelei has pushed me to become a better student and work harder, because her work ethic is ridiculous for a middle schooler. I think that Tiernan is also part of the reason why I wish to go into a career regarding mental health. I love being the oldest daughter, and the perks that come with being the easiest child to deal with (Lorelei is quite stubborn and therefore fights with my parents frequently). I don’t mind all of the responsibilities that are given to me; I would not be who I am without them. My family is extremely important to me, and I would do anything to ensure their happiness and safety.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a touching post and says a lot about you as a person and about your caring, peaceful, and supportive personality. I would be so lucky to have you as my sister!
DeleteSosha
I agree with Sosha, this was such a touching post. I don't know if you even remember this or if it had any significance to you, but last year when we were both at Elise's house just watching a movie, playing card games, and I think making caramel apples (????) I didn't really know anyone else there aside from Elise but I distinctly remember you being so kind, warm, and welcoming to me that night and it meant (and still means) so so much to me. I think your empathy that you have learned throughout your life, especially in helping Tiernan and Lorelei, has, like you said, made you who you are. That's something to be proud of!
DeleteSkylar! Your response is so touching and it truly exemplifies who you are as a person! When I first got to know you I knew that we would grow to be good friends. You are so compassionate, genuine, and welcoming. You definitely have a gift for being so kindhearted and supportive.
DeleteSkylar I really love this because I am a youngest sibling and I can really relate this with my relationship with my older brother. I look up to him and have a close bond just like you and your sister! I think that your honesty is really touching because sibling dynamics are very different depending on birth order and age. Older siblings are really impactful people to their siblings
Delete, thank you for sharing!
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ReplyDeleteA large part of who I am comes from my family. We’re super close-- almost the entirety of my mom’s side lives literally on the same street as me, and I consider these cousins some of my best friends. But on my dad’s side it’s a little different. I feel like ethnicity is, or was, integrated into that side of my life so much that I didn’t even notice it-- it was just my “normal”. Every year up until freshman year we had a traditional Polish dinner on Christmas Eve at my Babcia’s house and it was just what we did up until she died. But since then the family (my dad’s side) just fights and fights so much I don’t think anyone could actually tell you why they’re fighting anymore. When Babcia died the family started to loosen a bit, like a string just giving up, no matter how many times you resew that sweater it’s just going to give. So why bother. But truly when Grandpa died last spring, that’s when it all broke completely. We didn’t realize it, but he was the last stitch holding us all together. We thought that our identity as a unit, Polish, was what was keeping us together, but really it was them. The two people who cared about all of us, especially their grandchildren and great-grandchildren. My generation believes that his memory and his legacy is enough to keep us together, it’s just our parents. I mean an undeniable tension so heavy you can physically feel it in your chest because there’s just this huge elephant in the room, and the reasons are so trivial. It’s become so divisive and secretive and really negative, to the point where I don’t think we’ll return to any normalcy in my house or that side of the family. There’s just a lot of anger. And it’s sad to see, but I think it’s so interesting that out of this my brother and I grew closer, and vowed to never treat each other the way we saw my dad and his siblings treat each other. Trying to be positive about it! Christmas is always just strange though-- Dad goes into a depressive episode, we try to keep things up and running. But part of me feels like it doesn’t matter, because no matter what we’re never going to have those Polish Christmas Eve dinners with homemade pierogi and Babcia wishing every one of us a “Merry Christmas” as we break off a piece of the oplatek that she’s holding out for us. I guess things just change, and that’s a part of growing up. We can’t change the past, we can only keep pushing forward and look out into the world with as much optimism as we can muster. That’s just life.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad to read this. I have the same situation on my dad's side of the family, and I know how tough and emotionally draining it is to go into each family dinner optimistically and happily when something obviously isn't right. Keep being positive, though. It's what will bring people together more than any negativity can tear them apart. Thanks for sharing <3 -- Sosha
DeleteUnfortunately, this is the same case for my dad's family. Ever since my grandmother died last year, there is constant fighting between the siblings. My dad is the youngest of nine and it is generally the older siblings who fight. It all started when it was time to sell my dad's childhood home, but since then the fighting never stops. Since my dad is the youngest he tries to keep the peace by working as a middleman, but no one really listens to him. Over the past year I have come to accept that with big families comes big fights, it is just a thing that happens.
DeleteColleen McConnell
Artist
ReplyDeleteWhen I was young, I distinctly remember my mother putting me and my two siblings down on our crafts table while she prepared breakfast. After it was served and we all finished eating, my siblings would get on with their day, while I stayed at the crafts table concentrating hard, for hours and hours, to produce a piece that my four year old self would be satisfied with. Years went by and drawing still played a major role in my life. Whether it was showing proudly my creations to my grandfather or drawing on the paper vomit bags while on the ship sending us back to America from war-torn Lebanon, my art work always seemed to be a piece of myself. While on that ship, I met a girl named Maya, who was also my age, and she would be so entertained by my drawings. She would watch me so observantly, and whenever I would offer her the drawings, her face would brighten as if I’ve given her a piece of joy. That was the first time I realized the powerful impact that art can have on others. Years later, art has officially taken over all aspects of my life. After seeing how it can affect others, I created a website that sells my paintings and sends the proceeds to charity in order to alleviate others’ pain. When I am painting, I am able to give every ounce of myself over to the material. I can pour myself onto the canvas, holding nothing back. Art energizes my soul by evoking parts of myself that I cannot see with my naked eyes. I always start with a clear theme and idea but, in the process, something else happens. The main initial idea gets pushed to the side and other things emerge. My art is a portrayal of me, my happiness, my sadness, my anger, and my disappointments. That is the art of being an artist. My art can evoke different emotions to different people. Some can feel everything in it and some nothing at all. That is the essence of art. It is not simple. I don’t create art for others to find it beautiful and easy to look at. That is no longer art. For me, it is the moment of epiphany when all the chaos of the things come together.
Thank you for sharing Tamara! I can relate to you because art is a huge part of my life too:) and yes, art is so much more than just beauty. But different people can interpret it differently.
DeleteWow Tamara! I can tell that you are so passionate about art- it sounds like something you can really lose yourself in. I'm impressed that you have pursued it for so long and that you want to share your love of it with everyone.
DeleteI find it very hard to write about who I am because I am still discovering that. I am a very introverted person and tend to hold all of my feelings inside myself. I am also very independent in that I don't mind doing things on my own, but I also like being with people once I get to know them well. My family is a very important part of my life and I spend a lot of time with my cousins. One cousin in particular, Lucy, is someone who I really connect with because we go on a lot of adventures together and she pushes me out of my comfort zone which is something that I know helps me to feel less anxious about walking into new situations. Lucy and I have always gotten along since we were first born and I feel that we really push each other in different ways that each help us grow.
ReplyDeleteI am having the same difficulty writing about myself. However this period of our lives is all about figuring out who we are and who we want to be!
DeleteI loved reading about your relationship with your cousin Lucy. I have a very similar relationship with my cousin, Maggie. I am like you, very introverted and shy, and my cousin pushes me out of my comfort zone too. It's really special to have a relationship like that.
DeleteKaby Maheswaran
DeleteI actually feel the same way! I'm very shy in some environments too and I think there is a lot more to an introvert than just being quiet. Your blog really makes that idea clear. Your relationship with your cousin sounds awesome!
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ReplyDeleteVegan/Depressed
ReplyDeleteFirst, thank you so much for these responses. I have been touched by each response, and decided to share mine with you as well. You are all really opening up, and I want you to know that it is okay to write about something neutral. There is something therapeutic about it, though.
Vegan. That is a word that I never thought would be connected to my sense of self, and now it has become a defining piece that perhaps has always been missing. Four years ago, just around Thanksgiving, actually, I decided that I was tired of feeling “tired.” I have dealt with depression all my life and needed to take medication in order to feel okay. I never felt like I had the right medication or dosage, and at the age of 40, I realized that there are things other than therapy and drugs that I could do to feel better. So, after Thanksgiving with the usual constant eating and spirits, I decided that I would give up drinking alcohol for good. I felt that I just did not need to have a drink at a party or with dinner, that perhaps the medication was not as effective because I continued to have 1-2 drinks a day. Doctors say that is okay, but the alcohol does mess around with our serotonin levels. One week after giving up alcohol, I noticed a huge change in my body, feeling less irritable and tired when I woke up in the morning. I have never touched it since. Three months later, I would give up coffee and trade it with tea. In fact, that was the progression. I would replace an old habit with a new one that would nourish me, instead of hinder. I stopped having a drink, and had more coffee. Then I replaced coffee with tea. I even passed on black tea and replaced it with green or herbal tea. I actually lost a friendship because of the alcohol thing. I guess it was no fun to go out if I would not drink, too. That also became a theme. “You don’t drink alcohol!” “You don’t drink coffee!”
Then in April, right after my wife’s family Orthodox Easter celebration with 4,365 meat courses and 376 cheese, my wife and I collapsed on the couch to watch Netflix. She fell asleep and I watched a documentary called “Food Choices.” I saw documentaries like this before, but this one really grabbed me. It was the right place and the right time. The health benefits were limitless. In addition, it just felt like common sense. For example, what is milk after all? It is a cocktail of hormones to make a small calf in a large cow in an incredibly short span of time. Why does it surprise us that it is makes us fat or sick? In addition, I saw PETA videos before, but looked the other way, and now I could look away no longer. We torture these animals. Further, I never knew how much the dairy and meat industry influences our environment.
Continued...
ReplyDeleteThe following day marked the first day of April break and I decided that I would become a vegan. I would not rest on that documentary alone. I went to Barnes & Noble and purchased books on the subject, and went to Whole Foods. I decided to replace favorite foods with healthy choices, eating only natural food. I limited process foods. I spent the week trying out new recipes and started an exercise program while I was at it. By the end of the week, I was in a zone. It did take two weeks for my stomach to adjust to the amount of fiber and vitamins were injecting. However, I immediately felt great. I eventually added swimming and bike racing into my life, and I feel better at 43 than I did at 23. Even now, when my veganism is addressed I feel a sense of pride. This is me. Of course, I thought that I no longer needed the medication, but that turned out to be wrong. I dipped into a deep depression by early June when I weaned myself off medication. I did finally find one that worked for me. My psychiatrist said that I am obviously working hard to improve my health, but there is a definite family history and a chemical imbalance that needed to be addressed. It was not my fault. That made me feel better about things - that depression is a disease that needs to be dealt with, perhaps with medication.
The veganism and depression has made me feel a sense of loneliness that I find hard to explain. The veganism, especially. I know very few vegans, if any. I always knew that food is an event in our culture. Now that I am on the other side, it is amazing how many people get angry with me. Especially since it is no alcohol, coffee, meat or dairy. It is too much for some people, to have me even around not consuming while they are. I get teased a lot, which I am getting used to, but some people really take it too far. With regard to depression, that has always been a tricky thing to discuss, because people think that depression means either: “big baby” or “crazy.” Actually, many people say to me, “You seem so happy.” Well, I am. It does not work that way. In addition, I have been a master at hiding it, because who wants to be thought of as crazy or some whining person who cannot handle his problems. The aforementioned stereotype is why it took so long for me to feel better. I just felt it was all in my control. Do not get me wrong, the veganism and health regiment is great, but I really thought it was something I could “fix.”
Doing this exercise showed me how much these facets of self are connected. I could go one, but I think this is enough for this post. We will talk more.
Mr. Pellerin,
DeleteThank you for sharing this inspiring story. I definitely agree that there is so much more to a person than what they appear to be on the outside. I will always think twice before assuming that everyone's mind functions the same way as mine. I am also aware from personal experience that people struggling with depression or drug/alcohol use are very good at hiding it. I had a very close family member who I did not find out had a problem until very recently. When I found out, I asked the same question as others asked you, "Then why do you seem so happy?" I have found that it is usually the people you least expect to be dealing with depression that actually have a problem.
As some other people said, my role as the oldest sibling has always anchored my life and personality. I have a younger brother, who is a freshman and a sister, who is in seventh grade. From when I was just two, I loved playing with my baby brother and alerting my parents every single time that I thought he needed or wanted something. Later on, I begged for a little sister and my wish was fulfilled when I was four. From such a young age, I placed myself into a leadership position. I was always sure to let my parents know if Reilly or Evie was upset or hurt. When they misbehaved or needed something, I often voiced my parenting opinions, which, coming from a pre schooler, were somehow not always relevant to my parents. Whenever we were playing together, I would always dictate what we were doing and they would always listen to me. Even at pre school, I directed my class to play a certain game. I was probably incredibly bossy but overall, I developed a lot of confidence knowing that I would always have two people who would look up to me and would support me no matter what I do. With this feeling came a lot of responsibility. My younger sister especially is prone to mimicking my habits, so I always have felt the need to be a role model to her. While the two of us have very different personalities and a four-year age gap, we spend a lot of time together, and she seems to become more and more like me as she gets older. I think that my role as the oldest child at home really comes out at school when we are working in group projects. I often end up taking charge because I feel responsible for getting it done well. My Type A personality has definitely developed as a result of being the oldest. Sometimes, this is a good thing, because I am usually very focused and motivated to succeed in school, sports, etc. However, I find that I will often neglect sleep or relaxing with friends in favor of a crazy schedule involving schoolwork and sports only. Overall, though, I am so grateful to be the oldest of three. Without my brother and sister, I would be without a part of who I am.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like tech crew is the only interesting thing about me. I don't play sports, I'm not a fabulous artist, I'm not part of any religion. But I have tech crew. All of my clothes are stained with paint, the doodles on the sides of my papers are sketches of sets, my notebooks are filled with calculations about how many bricks can fit onto a four by eight hardcover flat. It's my go to fun fact for icebreakers, and its what my parents tell their friends about when they talk about their kids. Besides having a part time job and doing homework, I don't really do much that's not related to tech in someway. But I don't think that's a bad thing. I have truly found a community in tech crew, and I have found a passion that doubles as a creative outlet. I wear my pride for this activity in every show shirt and paint stain, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I get to college I do not know if I will continue with technical theater, but I hope that I find a community that is as fulfilling and enriching as the one I have found here. I am still trying to figure out who I am outside of tech, as all of my formative years have been spent backstage but in the meantime I'm okay with tech crew being intrinsically wrapped in my sense of self.
ReplyDeleteKaby Maheswaran
ReplyDeleteOne of the greater parts of someone’s identity, nature, is controlled mainly by society and others around us. One thing that everyone notices about me is that I am often quiet in class, which often times automatically means that I don’t have anything to say. I consider myself an introvert, however there is more to me than being quiet. I think being an introvert has made me advantageous, for my actions and thoughts have been well thought out. The term introvert doesn’t define all introverts, in fact a lot of terms don’t define people properly. There are aspects of each characteristic and definition that fit a person, and collectively it can describe someone accurately. But one word alone isn’t nearly enough to describe someone. For example I call myself an introvert, however, I am not always a wallflower. There are times when I am quiet and other times I speak the most. In class I am usually quiet, and with friends I know, it is quite the opposite. A single term isn’t enough to understand who I really am, it can only describe a part of me.
Inferiority Complex
ReplyDeleteI have dealt with and continue to deal with the feeling that I’m inferior to others. Whether it be regarding sports, something related to school, or pretty much anything else for that matter, I’ve always felt substandard to the people around me. This sense of being has taken a toll on the way I approach things, and I find that it often hinders both my confidence and motivation. Instead of completing an assignment or a project, I waste my time thinking about how bad the final product will be compared to the final work of others. I essentially “shoot myself in the foot” when I think this way, as spending more time worrying about the final outcome of an assignment rather than actually doing it prevents me from doing my best work. It took me more than 3 months in total to write down the first draft of my college essay over the summer because I spent more time thinking that my essay was going to be inadequate to the more meaningful work of others rather than writing the actual essay. I find it difficult to put trust in my decisions, and when I manage to do so, I often second-guess the decisions that I make. I waste all my energy by troubling myself with feelings of inadequacy, leading to anger and frustration, and I end up getting little to nothing done.
I totally get what you're saying Niko-- try not to beat yourself up! I think pretty much everyone deals with this to some extent.
DeleteIt was a life that was meant to be lived unquestioned. I was baptized as an infant, brought to church every weekend, sat through Children Catholic Development classes (CCD), communionized in the second grade, sat through some more CCD class, and finally confirmed as an adult in the eyes of the church in junior year of high school. In the beginning of my CCD years, in classes which were taught by my father, it was quite common that my insistent questioning would get me sent out of the classroom because when one questions the holy trinity one is automatically assumed to be asking with a disrespectful nature. When I asked the same questions at home the answers were usually not given and my questioning was said to be causing my great grandfather to “roll over in his grave”. This refusal to answer questions was ultimately what caused me to proclaim myself as an “atheist” in my most edgy years which caused a very, very, VERY large disconnect between my Roman Catholic family and I. It wasn't until freshman year that I realised just how large a role spirituality played in our relationships with others as well as ourselves and found myself searching for some sense of spiritual belonging. That was when I stumbled upon paganism (or Wicca) and fell in love with its ability to accept all and also answer questions openly and willingly. Paganism is not potions and spells and witches, it is a spirituality with no strict doctrines based on finding divinity in nature. The only “law” which wiccans are meant to live by is “If it hurts none do what you will”. Now, coming from the strict doctrines of the Roman Catholic church this spiritual freedom was somewhat paralyzing, especially going into it with no guidance, but this also lead to much self discovery and a refreshed view on the world.
ReplyDeleteHi Aiden:) I really enjoyed reading this and your honesty. I also grew up Roman Catholic, and endured the same Sunday masses and endless CCD class. Although I still identify as Catholic, I totally get what you're saying about feeling like you're unable to ask questions because they're automatically considered rude or unwarranted. But I think you've found what suits you, and truthfully at the end of the day I feel like it doesn't matter what God someone believes in, or doesn't for that matter, as long as they're treating others and themselves with love, respect, and kindness. I think it's really great how willing you were to trust your gut and follow a new path which spoke more directly and honestly to your soul:)
DeleteI love exploring myself as a person and putting every part of myself into little analytical categories because it makes me feel more in control. Also, it doesn’t have to have a happy ending, hell it doesn’t even need a resolution. It just exists. Plus, it suits my perfectionism and mild obsession with organization well. So here’s my reflection on my depression.
ReplyDeleteDuring my sophomore year, I came to the realization that I was experiencing symptoms of depression. (Although, after further examination, I’ve actually probably been depressed since 7th grade. But that’s the thing, I never understood what it was, my mom always thought it was something made up that you could just “pray about” so I never felt safe enough to look deeper into it.) I had gotten out of an unhealthy relationship despite still loving this other person (took me six months to get over him) and one of my friends had committed suicide and it was affecting a lot of the people around me. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, all I knew was that I felt trapped and like I was spiralling out of control. I had about two epiphanies of sorts that year. One was in March, during a show choir competition. The other was that following summer when I was in Costa Rica. After that second one, I was under the impression that I was “cured,” if you will. I had always shied away from mental illness because, to me, it was taboo. Last year, I kept experiencing some symptoms. I had bad nights when all I wanted was to crawl in a hole and never come out because there were little demons in my head attacking me. I would shit on myself, hate the person I was and the body that held it. It took the encouragement of my boyfriend, my friends, and my aunt to seek help. I got a list of therapists from my doctor in March, lost the list, and didn’t reach out to a school social worker until June, and then didn’t book my first appointment until August. I knew once I called for that first session, there was no turning back. I would be forced to acknowledge that I had some mental health issues. That first session, as cliche as it sounds, changed my life. I still have bad nights, I still hate myself and my body, I still feel unworthy of the happiness in my life, I still feel like a burden and a pain to those that care about me, BUT I am willing to be open about my depression. I’ve come to terms with its’ existence. I tell people I’m exhausted during the day because I was up until 2am the night before trying to calm myself down before falling asleep. The best part? I see a therapist semi-regularly. I have someone to talk to, someone that’ll understand and that won’t judge me. My depression doesn’t encompass the person I am but it is definitely a part of me. A part I never thought I’d experience.
Okay I think you are so very brave for being able to say all of this. I also want you to know how cool and wonderful it is to be able to acknowledge that you need help. I totally get what you're saying about being sort of afraid? to make that first call to a therapist because once you do that, you're right: there's no going back. I also struggle with some of the things you're going through, and I still haven't had the courage to make that phone call, but your post and your honesty really inspired me and sort of forced me to reflect on my decisions to ignore help. Thank you for sharing this, Dome:)
DeleteThank you for sharing this. It is inspirational to me to see someone who is brave enough to open up about there depression. I hope one day I can be this brave and talk about my struggles as openly as you
Delete“What do you want to be when you grow up?” In first grade, Mrs. Waller asked a group of seven year olds this age old question. My classmates and I had to “write a book” about what we wanted to be when we grew up. Once finished writing the book, my class would have Author’s Night, reading our finished products to parents and teachers. During Author’s Night, parents heard from a cast of first graders that they wanted to be astronauts, President of the United States, police officers and firefighters. When it was time for me to share my book I said that I wanted to be a “baby delivery nurse”. I vividly remember some of the kids and parents giggling when I said this, and then retreating to my seat wondering what was so funny. Ten years later, I reflect on Author’s Night and realize the audience wasn’t laughing at me, but possibly surprised that a first grader knew she wanted to be a “baby delivery nurse”. In the years following, my ambition to be a nurse has not wavered. The reason that I initially wanted to be a nurse was because of my grandmother, Gladys McConnell. She recently passed away, but not before having a significant impact on my life. My grandmother was a nurse. She went to Cambridge City Hospital nursing program as a young woman, got married, raised her 9 children and gracefully managed to balance a busy family life with being a kind and compassionate nurse. My Grammy had a calm, matter of fact manner, which I am sure her patients appreciated. From skinned knees to broken bones to casting my Bitty Baby’s broken arm, my Grammy was “my nurse”. She always made me feel safe, well cared for and loved. I strive to be that calm, unwavering support to my patients, that my grandmother was to her patients, her family and ultimately to me. To be a nurse is to be a caregiver to someone who may be vulnerable and in need. Nurses are responsible for medical and clinical aspects, but equally important a nurse has a responsibility to be human and to bring humanness to a very scientific, often stressful environment. Since Author’s Night back in first grade, I have wavered about what field of nursing I want to go into, but my mission to go into medicine has not changed. I hope that my choice to be a nurse and the things that I do to accomplish this goal would make my grandmother proud.
ReplyDeleteColleen McConnell
I chose to describe my institutional self. Personally I do not subscribe to any one religion in particular and I don't really see myself ever converting to one. Similarly, I prefer to distance myself from my nationality because I don't think it plays a significant role in my life.
ReplyDeletePerhaps for others "being an American" is something that has inherent value, but I don't see how it's any more significant than being Canadian or anything else for that matter. America is a relatively nice place to live, but I don't believe that it makes sense to have your nation so close to your sense of self.
I don't really see institutions as a part of who I am. It's unfortunate that we label others so quickly based on the groups that they happen to belong to, and perhaps that also extends to those who prefer not to be apart of that kind of group think.
There is a place in society for certain institutions, like the family unit and the educational system, but these aren't who you are as an individual. They never imprint themselves so wholly on your being.
My dads family is completely Greek. Whenever we go to my Greek grandmothers house, I'm greeted with a huge hug from everyone there (usually aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins), blasting Greek music, and a plate of cookies. If you've ever seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", picture that. It's not an exaggeration. My mom's family, however, is 100% Irish. Very loving and supportive, but polar opposites from the Greeks. Their house is always quiet, maybe with some light classical music in the background. They are always excited to see us, but are never too touchy feeley. We have some good laughs at the dinner table, but they always insist on going to bed before 10. The differences between northern and southern Europe are pretty prevalent at first glance. But given a closer look, they have many similarities in their supportive and loving nature. In many ways, I see these as the two aspects of myself: both outgoing and quiet. Some days, I am glad to be with my mom's family, without the pressures of having food forced upon me or being smothered in hugs. Other days, I wish I was with my dads family, because the silence at my mom's family's house is deafening. I see myself as an ambivert, because I have been shaped by these two sides of my family.
ReplyDeleteAnna Vrountas
I think this is a really interesting take on your conflicting ethnic backgrounds! Being half Greek and half Filipino, I can definitely relate to the idea that cultures affect an environment very differently.
DeleteReligion is an important factor in my life due to the influence it has on me. As a muslim I am expected to hold certain values but as I have grown some of the beliefs that I held in life have changed. With my family being on the secular side I was allowed to learn about my religion and and take a critical view on it. Muslims are expected to pray 5 times a day and I probably pray 5 times a year at most. However, my interest for religion still exists except in a more curious way. I find myself interested in the concepts of religion and researching about Islam and different religions as well. This has allowed me to learn about different perspectives of religion and has contributed to me to make my own assumption on certain beliefs. I do still identify as muslim but do not agree with all the teachings of Islam and tend to hold some progressive views.
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DeleteThis is very interesting, I enjoyed your unbiased perspective on your own religion.
DeleteThroughout my childhood I have enjoyed the insights of cultures different from my own. My introduction to Indian culture from girls that were neighbors before I moved to Andover was the beginning of who I would become. In elementary and middle school, I found myself hanging out with mostly people of my race. At the end of middle school and throughout high school, my best friends have been a Colombian, a white man and 3 indians. Yet when we come together we pay no attention to race instead we embrace each other's cultures. Two of my friends Rayhan and Pakshal have been one of the main reasons of my understanding of the Indian culture because of them I have not only found myself watching bollywood movies but have also developed a taste for Indian food. Nicolas Aycardi my colombian friend has been responsible for my interest in Colombian culture. Every time I go to his house it’s always a chance for me to try Colombian food and embrace the welcome I get from his parents. One rule in his house is always to say hi to his parents which I have learned to look forward too. Throughout these experiences I have found myself to be more open to people because I want to learn more about their backgrounds.
ReplyDeleteI feel so touched.
DeleteMy views on life tend to be all over the place. Some days I am an optimist, while some days I feel there is no hope for humanity. Current devastating events are what prompt my attitude the most and I feel that a day without hearing of something tragic such as a natural disaster, terrorist attack or war is a rarity. I believe that we live in a horrific world and it is hard to see the good in an overwhelming cloud of bad. I feel this has started to affect other aspects of my life as I have begun to lose faith in my religion. I used to practice daily and now I ask myself "Whats the point" Bad things will happen no matter if I pray for 5 hours or not at all. However despite all this I see the good in humans as individuals and I believe our potential is great. If we were to work together we could accomplish amazing things. This can cause me to be over trusting and sometimes naive and again I feel my views on humanity are turning for the worst way too rapidly. Overall I have come to relate life and who I am on a little story I once heard in a disney movie: There are two wolves that live inside of you, one is darkness and despair and one is light and hope. They are always fighting and the question is who wins. The one you feed. Although it is so so hard I will choose to feed light and hope and I pray that the rest of humanity will as well.
ReplyDeleteI have always joked with my friends that “I’m not white, I’m Jewish.” In my eyes it is an incredibly absurd statement as I am only descended from Lithuanian Jews on my father's side, and neither I, nor him, nor any of my close relatives have ever practiced the religion. However despite all of the separation, I have always felt a large measure of comfort in my distant Jewish identity. Growing up, I have always relished in my Jewish heritage, and not only because my grandmother’s Hanukkah celebrations were like a second Christmas, but because I have found a strange contentment in knowing that I am part of a historically discriminated group. I am a straight white guy, and if you have any passing knowledge of western world history you know that straight white guys were usually the ones oppressing and subjugating everybody else. There is a weight of guilt and isolation in the knowledge that you are part of a legacy of atrocity and colonialism, that you will undoubtedly reap the rewards of systemic racism and oppression whether you want to or not. I’m definitely not saying that there is any nobility in being part of a historically oppressed group or that white guilt is causing me to suffer more than others. However, growing up and learning about history, it felt better to identify as part of a minority than to identify with a ethnic group that some of history's greatest monsters also identified with. That is why, at least while I was growing up, and no matter how important or factual it was, I considered myself as Jewish.
ReplyDeleteAlso here's another post which is dumb but important to me
DeleteI am a godless heathen. I believe in absolutely nothing, no greater deity, no afterlife, no meaningful moral code that exists outside our minds and comprehension. I am a capital A, atheist. Despite what many crazy evangelical priests will say, just because I don’t believe in god dosen’t mean I am an immoral person who would happily become a cruel murdering psychopath the first chance I had. I value many things: kindness, equality, and all the other mushy stuff. I grew up being raised as a Unitarian Universalist, a strange pseudo-religion where the main beliefs are that it’s important to be nice and that nature is cool (it is probably a lot deeper than that but I haven’t been to the congregation in a while). We didn’t have a god; instead we picked and chose parables from various religions and talked about what deeper messages they held. One day we would talk about Jesus, the next day we would discuss Brahma, and the next day we would learn about the Buddha. As far as I could tell, we believed in everything and nothing and it was very fun. Since I have stopped going to church I have grown away from spiritual semi-agnostic attitude of Unitarian Universalism and embraced full on atheism. However, I have held onto that religious pick and choose mentality and have recently decided to adopt my own religion to outwardly believe, a freedom of choice and experimentation atheists have but do not often exploit. This is why, if anyone asks, I believe in Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent, an ancient Mesoamerican god of wind and wisdom. Before I explain why I chose to believe in Quetzalcoatl, I want to say that I didn’t choose to outwardly believe in a flying wind snake to be ironic and make fun of people who do believe in things. If you have a religion that’s great and you are lucky not to have the same universal cynicism and skepticism that I have. I just thought that if I had to have a god, it should be a really cool god, and I wanted to spread the word about a deity who deserves that same kind of mainstream recognition that mythological figures like Zeus and Thor have. I adopted Quetzalcoatl as my official deity for several reasons. First of all, Quetzalcoatl is a massive technicolored flying feathered dragon, so he already gets points for creativity, design, and awesomeness in my book. He also has a lot of really interesting and memorable stories surrounding him, like how he did battle with the sun, transformed into an ant to discover corn, and stole bones from the god of death to create humanity. In addition, despite his Aztec roots, Quetzalcoatl was a extremely chill god, and was actually the patron deity of civilization and humanity. He was one of the gods that didn’t ask for nor enjoy human sacrifice from his followers, and according to legend gave chocolate, corn, and books to humanity, which coincidentally are three of my favorite things. His benevolence and the fact that in his myths he died and came back to life, transform Quetzalcoatl into a Jesus like figure, if Jesus were a dragon that is. All of these facts lead me to choose to outwardly believe in Quetzalcoatl, so when someone asked me if I believed in God I could gush about an extremely interesting and underrated mythological creature and possibly get them to spread the word too. And if you think that it is extremely weird that talked about a mythical Mexican snake god for half a page like an overly obsessive fanboy, you're right and it was really fun.
Sam, this is absolutely phenomenal and incredibly interesting.This experience seems to have been very formative to your creative and explorative nature. Definitely something to be proud of.
DeleteI absolutely LOVE this. I relate on being atheist but also the feeling of wishing that I believed in something. This is really really amazing! It is really creative, which is a also a great thing that makes you you!!! It is in no way dumb, don't ever lose your creative spark!!!!!!
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ReplyDeleteI must admit, I really don't like categorizing myself into any group because that forces me to revisit all of the past insecurities I once had about myself any everything that comes associate with my "nature". As a child who definitely had more baby fat than most, I have always been self-conscious about my body. The fact I was also relatively bad at sports during the period in late-elementary to middle school when sports held the most sway it ever would in my social standing at school only further compounded my issues with insecurity. I definitely felt the inferiority complex that Niko so eloquently wrote throughout most of my childhood. I remember how I once discovered that I sucked in a really big breath, a lot of the fat around my stomach would slide up and make me look a little more muscular- so I spent I significant part of seventh grade not really being able to breathe. And to be honest, I never really discovered a way to get past my self-consciousness. I was fortunate enough to hit my growth spurt earlier than most in eighth grade and shed enough fat during it that my concerns with self-image naturally faded. Although I wasn't able to deal with that problem mentally, I can learn from it. Whatever mental mistakes I may have once made are in the past. I am still young (and fortunately look a lot more fit than I once did) and the majority of my story still lays unwritten. I can't change what society terms "nature," but I can do my best to minimize what others view as my shortcomings and move on.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else in this class, I am a student. It's hard to describe yourself as anything else when school work consumes most of each day. Though being a student is more than a title, I believe it is as consuming as a full time job. Students are not only expected to work on class material, but participate in extracurriculars. We are pushed to be student athletes, student role models, students involved in the community, and more. Being a student is what I know, and what I will continue to be for the next many years of my life.
ReplyDeleteMy first language was Italian, and as such I have never truly felt the connection to America that I see in many of my peers. I learned English not from my parents but from sitting in bewilderment during my preschool years, learning through osmosis that which I never knew from home. At the same time, there is no trace of my Italian heritage in my name, meaning that I often pass for a quintessential American, with no visible evidence of my bilingual heritage or dual citizenship. In some ways, I feel that this aspect of my identity has been erased by the circumstances of my birth, confining an important facet of who I am to only those who know me best.
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